The fan fic that ruined everything
by Jade Snape-Holloway
Summary: Harry is up one night googleing his name when he comes accros a fan fic web site. This is what the HP cast feels about you freaky fan fics writers! PLEASE REVEIW!
1. Chapter 1 ROMANCE FIC

HARRY POTTER AND THE LATE NIGHT FAN FIC THAT RUINED EVERYTHING,

BY ME.

SUMMERY: Harry is up late one night, google-ing his name, when he comes across a fan fiction site and is horrified to find all the _CRAP _people write, and some how all our favorite charators end up there, too.

CHAPTER 1: THE ROMANCE FIC.

Harry was google-ing his name one night when he found something strange: A thing called a fan fiction. Haveing no idea what a fan fic was, he clicked on it.

It came from a web site called Instead of reading this fic, he clicked the 'home' button on the page and it brought him to a whole realm of fan fics bassed on him. "...The hell...all these things are about me? Why would people write about me?" Harry thought.

He made the mistake of clicking on the romance fic section, and was immeadiently bombared with fan fics that all seemed to have names like ' Light in the dark,' 'Rain shadows,' 'Heart of darkness,' and so on, and they all had summeries like ' Harry is lonly one night and Ron is the only person who can help him,' 'Hermione has been cursed by Malfoy and Ron must bring her back to health,' and, well, you get the idea.

"What the heck is a slash fic?" Harry thought. If the world of fan fics made any sense, slash would have ment ' violence,' but no, it means a graphic-y gay fic.

Of course, Harry didn't know that, so he clicked on one that said ' Snarry slash.'

It started out something like this:

' Snape was waiting for all the stoodents to leve the dungons one day after potions class. He had spent the hole lesson thinking about how much he loved Harry and now he couldn't take it any more and was going to tell him after everyone left even though Snape was like 50 yers older then Harry and evul.

"Poter, come here." Snape said.

Harry did and they started explaining their feelings for each other in a disgustingly gushy way and then commenced to makeing out.'

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

Harry screamed, grabbing a near by hammer and started whacking the computer.

Not only was that fan fic sick, but it was spelled WRONG.

"What are you screaming about, Potter?" Snape demanded.

Harry sobbed and pointed at the computer. Snape took one look and sheirked, then pulled out a sledge hammer and started bashing the computer screaming "DIE EVIL DEMONS! DIE!!"

"Stop it, stop it. What are you reading?" Hermione asked, repairing the computer with her wand and reading the fic. She gasped. "Oh how could those horrid fan fic writers write this disgusting crap?! Snape is a teacher and Harry is 16! But we shouldn't be distroying the computer, we should be distroying the fic's writer!" Hermione said, pulling out her own hammer.

"Potter, there will be no need to come in to potions class. Ever again." Snape said shuddering.

Hermione and Ron mean while were looking at more fics.

"Oh, lets read this one." She said.

This fic started out something like this: ' Hermyony was reading a book and Ron couldn't take it. He jumped on her and they started makeing out. There would be more, but the writer of this fic is listening to music, and it's rather distracting. So, a bunch of fluff happens, then Hermyony gets attacked by death eaters and Ron has a duel with Voldomort and wins, then gets rich,'

" He he he.." Ron laughed as he drooled slightly, re-reading the many make out parts.

Hermione looked scandelized. " Look at all those spelling errors!" she shrieked.

"Yeah, and where did this fic's writer get the idea that Ron would save the world?! I'M THE BOY THAT FREACKIN' LIVED!!!" Harry yelled.

"And why would anyone want you, mud blood?" Malfoy demanded.

"Alright Malfoy, lets just see how many people want to be with me!" Hermione said, going back to the romance fic home page. Harry grabbed Ron's arm, for Ron was raiseing a hammer over Malfoy's head.

"Hmmmm, lets see.. Theres me and Ron, me and Harry, me and Snape oh, thats horrible, too, me and AAAAA!! DUMBLEDORE! Oh good God, me and Fred or George, hey, heres Dramione!" Hermione said.

"Whats Dramione?" asked Seiris, who had come back to life just to make us wonder.

"It's me and Draco, honestly, hasn't anyone read 'Fan fics, a history?'" Hermione demanded, clicking on the Dramione fic.

It read: ' Malfoy was a pure-blood, he could not luv a mud-blood like Hermoony Granger. But he did luv her, like a lot, and he couldn't take it.

He wanted to ask her out to the dance, but just could'nt, so he was sad throo the hole dance, untill Hermoony came out. She looked so pretty in her red dress, and her hair wasn't bushy it was now staight and pretty.

He asked her to dance and they started makeing out, then they got married even though they were fifth years. The end'

" Oh God, that was horrible! Do they really think I'm so sluty I'd go out with MALFOY!? And can't anyone spell?!" Hermoony, I mean Hermione cried.

"Do I have have any fics?" asked Lupin.

"Yeah, but it looks like there mostly slash fics between you Sirius, Snape, or James." Hermione said.

Lupin, Snape, Sirius, and James all gaged and started screaming.

"And Ron, it seems that you have the most slash fics out of all of us- HEY! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH VIKTOR?!" Hermione yelled, seeing the Ron/Krum fic.

"I'm sure it's nothing, Hermione." said Dumbledore, who had just poped up with Voldemort.

"Yeah, your probably right, professor. Oh look. Heres a Dumbledore/ Voldemort fic!" Hermione said.

"Uhhh, thats enough of this." Dumbledore said hastily, exchangeing a shiftty look with Voldemort.

END OF CHAPTER 1.

AUTHERS NOTE: Ok, terribley sorry to all romance writters out there, but romance fics are intensely boring after a while. Now parody fics are an art form. Anyway, PUHLEEZE reveiw sob I know I never reveiwed a fic, but thats only cuz my mom won't let me! I still don't know what to have the HP charactors read for chapter 2. I'm thinkin' action, but I don't know...


	2. Chapter 2:the action fic

CHAPTER 2: THE ACTION FIC.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hadn't really ever read any action fics, but I did for this, and ya know? I like them! So the fic the HP cast is reading will be a little different. Thanks everyone who reviewed! Oh I was soooo happy! I hope you all like this chapter! And if you do, please keep up the reviews!

Everyone was withering on the floor sobbing after just having read a horrifying Fred/ George romance fic. Ron had tried to kill himself, but Harry and Hermione stopped him.

"This is ridiculous." Hermione gasped, pulling herself off the ground and leaning on the desk. "These romance fics are killing us!"

"Yeah, lets go to something different." Harry said. His eyes were wide with dark rings around them and he looked like he had aged 50 years.

Then he noticed Voldemort wasn't sobbing. He was standing there doing his nails.

"Hey, how come you aren't miserable?" Harry demanded.

"Huh? Oh, I'm already evil. Evil things don't affect me." Voldemort explained.

"That's right," said Hermione. "You're the dark lord... who invited you!"

Voldemort got that horrible look on his face and he towered over them as flames rose up behind his head. "_I AM THE DARK LORD! I DO NOT REQUIRE AN INVITATION!" _Voldemort boomed, then he became normal again. "Besides, it must have gotten lost in the mail."

"Yeah right. Nobody invited you, Baldmort." Harry said.

Voldemort gasped and covered his head with his hands, then ran out sobbing.

"OH, look what you've done! Voldie, wait!" Dumbledore cried, running after Voldemort.

"So, what should we look at next? I mean, we couldn't just stop reading, could we?" Harry asked.

"No, lets look at action." Hermione said.

Everyone on the floor looked up at them. "Action? I think I know what that is..." Ron said slowly.

"Yeah, I remember action..." Draco said, a light spreading over his face.

Harry clicked on action. A golden light came from the computer screen- but it was just a pop up so Harry clicked out of it and the actual page came up.

"OOO! CLICK ON THAT ONE!" "NO THAT ONE!" "I WANT THAT ONE!" all the guys cried, so happy to be out of the world of gush.

Harry clicked on one called 'Harry Potter and the random blowing up of things!' The summery said: ' Harry MUST get tot the ball, but he MUST defeat Voldemort FIRST! Will he MAKE it to the ball in time to see Ginny, or will Voldemort KILL him?' It went like this:

' Harry JUMPED on to his Firebolt, just as the building he was in BLEW UP! He ZOOMED through the air, FLYING above the DEATH EATER rally. Then he MACHINE GUNNED Voldemort and most of the Death Eaters. But the survivors FLEW through the air after him, shooting at him with large GUNS! Harry dodged every BULLET! Then he JUMPED off his broom and tumbled through the air just as his broom and the death eaters brooms' BLEW UP! Harry DROPPED through a giant window, glass FLYING everywhere! He ROLLED across the floor, just as the room he came out of BLEW UP! He dusted off his tux, smoothed back his hair, and walked into the ball room, just as Ginny was about to dance with DRACO cuz Harry was two minutes LATE! But then Harry and Ginny DANCED. The END.

"Well that was bizarre." Hermione said. But all the guys were like "YEAH! THATS WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!" "WOOO! YEAH MAN!" And stuff like that. Then they started having a fist fight.

Hermione rolled her eyes and walked out of the house.

Outside, Voldemort ran past her, crying his red eyes out, closely followed by Dumbledore, who was yelling "VOLDIPOO! WAIT!" Hermione lit a cigarette. Yes, she does smoke, heavily.

"What am I doing?" she thought. "I don't smoke!" then she looked up and saw two fan fic writers writing a fic in which she did smoke. "How dare they..." She thought. She destroyed the writers and went back into the house.

Inside, they had stopped fighting and were now looking for more fics. Hermione didn't catch the title, but this is the part of the fic she did see:

' Harry and Voldemort were dueling with those weird light-up swords they used in Star Wars. Ya Know, the ones that go 'whoosh,' and shoom' when you swipe them. The author of this fic does not know what the are called because she could care less about Star Wars.

Anyway, they were fighting with those's, when Harry remembered he had a wand. So he pulled that out and killed Voldemort with the killing curse.'

"Absolutely pointless." Hermione said, but the guys were already trying to send the author (whackedoutfan12321) a great review.

"Alright, I'm gonna put ' luv your fic dude! It's gr8!" Harry said.

"Cool, man! I didn't know you could write computer language!" Ron said.

"Here's an idea." Hermione said. "Lets look at a different genre."

"O. K, how 'bout 'general?' " Harry asked.

"Fine, anything but this." Hermione said.

The first general fic was like this:

' Something happened to a character that wasn't really funny or romantic or action packed or tragic or any other adjective. The end.'

"Hey...look, a dead bug." Said Ron.

"Really Where?" Everyone asked, for the dead bug was more interesting then the general fic.

END OF CHAPTER 2.

END NOTES: Well that wasn't as funny or as long as the last chapter, but I liked it, especially the Baldmort joke. The next chapter I'll do parody, even though I love it. It will also be the last chapter. Anyway, I hope you liked it! PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING, IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY:)

P. S

To who ever asked if I took parts of actual fan fics for my fic, no I didn't, I thought that would be mean. My sister told me I should, though.


	3. Chapter 3: The perody

CHAPTER 3: THE PARODY FICS

Harry clicked on another general fic. It read:  
'Harry sat down to have lunch one day. He had a Sandwich with pickles. The end.'  
"Man, why would somebody even bother to write something like that?" He asked, but nobody answered, cause they were all asleep from boredom.  
"HEY, WAKE UP!" He yelled and everyone jumped up.  
"What should we look at now?"  
"Hey, what's a pear-o-dee?" Ron asked, squinting at the computer screen.  
"Ron, it's a parody and it means a spoof. That kind of fic just makes fun of something, or does random silly things." Hermione informed everyone. Harry clicked on the parody section.  
They all seemed to have names like 'Harry Potter and the stupid, random fan fic,' 'Attack of the tomato soup monster,' 'The Marry Sue fic,' and so on.  
"Do we know a Marry Sue?" Ron asked.  
"No, I don't think so..." everyone said.  
Harry clicked on one titled 'The terrifying pie curse.' This is what happened in it:  
' Ron was sitting there in the Great Hall eating a pie. "I love pie.." he thought, stuffing the whole thing in his mouth and swallowing it whole.  
"OH GOD NO! YOU'VE SWALLOWED THE PIE OF DOOM! YOU SHALL NOW SUFFER THE CURSE OF THE RANDOM PIE!" Screamed someone. Just then a giant walking pie came up and ate Ron whole. The end.  
"...What?" asked everyone in the room.  
"I.. I think that was supposed to be funny..." Lupin said, just to remind us all that he was still here.  
"What would our creator think?!" shirked Hermione.  
Scene goes to J. K Rowling, who is in her house on her computer reading that fic. "Hmm," she says. "That's not bad.." she turns around a writes something on a note book: Giant-Ron-eating-pie.  
"Well, I don't believe she'd to that for a second!" Hermione said angrily. "I swear, some day I'll make those fn fic writers pay!"  
"Let's give parodies another chance." said Harry, clicking on a random parody. It said:  
' Something stupid happened, and Snape was pregnant with Harry's baby-' But then they stopped reading.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" Everyone in the room screamed, running through the house and sobbing. It looked a little like the first scene in 'Lost,' when the plane crashed and all that chaos was going on. Hermione was even standing in one spot screaming "HELP!" over and over.  
After an hour or two of that, they had all settled down to read another fic because they didn't know why, but they just couldn't stop.  
They went to the Mary Sue fic section and clicked a fic.  
"Who are these Mary Sue people?!" Hermione demanded. The fic started out like this:  
'There was a foreign exchange student from America coming that year-' "Wait, we don't have a foreign exchange program at Hogwarts!" Hermione interrupted. "SSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH!!" everyone said. Anyway:  
' -and everyone was waiting for her to come and get sorted. For some reason, she was sitting right next to Dumbledore.  
She was beautiful, with long hair that was the perfect shade of blond, red, black, brown, and some how blue. Her eyes were the prefect shape and one was dark blue and the other was green. Her teeth were so white they actually blinded people, but no one cared cuz se was so pretty.  
And since she was so pretty, Dumbledore didn't make her wear the uniform, so she was wearing an incredibly pretty red dress.  
She was also smart, smarter then everyone, so she would probably teach a class cuz the teachers would be so amazed by her brilliance. On top of all that, she was funny and had more magic powers then every witch in the world, plus she was part were-wolf and Harry's sister  
"And now please welcome our new foreign exchange student, Serena Hope Faith Love Light Beauty Potter!" Dumbledore announced as Serena walked to the sorting hat and put it on. Some how she was sorted into all the houses.'  
"This is insane!" Hermione cried.  
"I like it." Said Mary Sue.  
"Hey, this is for real Harry Potter characters, not you idiotic fake characters, who are probably really supposed to be the author!" Hermione snapped. "Ron, stop bowing to her!"  
"Don't anger the Gods, Hermione!" Ron yelled, throwing himself on the floor to warship Mary Sue.  
"Lets try another genre." Hermione said.  
Harry went to fantasy.  
"No, not fantasy. We're already witches and wizards, that's already fantasy!" Draco said. "How about angst?"   
Harry clicked on that one and got the first one:  
' Harry was walking through Hogwarts grounds in the rain one day, thinking about how depressing life really was.Then he killed himself. The end.'  
Everyone was to busy weeping to say anything.  
"That-that was so depressing!" Snape cried.  
"We have to do something about these horrid fan fic writers!" Hermione sa-  
" ATTENTION READER! THIS IS HERMIONE GRANGER SPEAKING! WE HAVE DISTROYED THE WRITER OF THIS FIC AND IF YOU ARE A FAN FIC WRITTER, WE WILL DISTROY YOU TOO! IF YOU ARE NOT A WRITTER, STOP READING AND TAKE SHELTER NOW! THERE IS ABOUT TO BE A HUGE BATTLE! I SAID STOP READING! STOP! STOP IT! VOLDEMORT, THEY WONT LISTEN TO ME!"  
"Alright, let me see what I can do... CRUCIO! CRUCIO! DAMMIT! IT WON'T WORK! CRUCIO! CRUCIO! CRUCIO CRUCIO CRUCIO...

END NOTES: I hope you all liked this chapter! I like it better that the last one. Thank you everyone who reviewed, and please keep reviewing! And to spongebobfan1661, thank you for saying that. It's my life long goal to make milk come out of peoples noses:)  
Some people have been asking why all the Dumbledore/Voldie jokes. Why? Well, I just thought why not? It's weird and creepy, but not as bad as the Fred/George romance fics (not that I've read any, but come on that's sick!). PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING! I never knew how much fun it is to have complete strangers tell you they like your fic!


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